Late night

You know I never knew my kitchen clock ticked.  I can't sleep, the radio is off, which it never is.  I've read for over and hour and I can't even get sleepy.  I don't want to do anything tomorrow, but so much shit to do.  The sound of the fridge and the sound of the clock and the sound of the keyboard now.  You know, they could make keyboards soundless, but they generally don't.  It started because secretaries didn't like not having the sound of a keyboard.  I think anyway.  This is just words, useless, stupid words.  At this moment I hate every word I've ever spoken or written or thought.  No one can ever know the meaning of what another person says.  No one can ever know the thoughts behind them.  Do normal people feel this way?  Do normal people think this way?  Sometimes I think that the best way through life is to not think at all.  Sometimes I wish I were a person who didn't think, who didn't feel, just do, do, do.  I wonder what the future holds for me?  When I was younger I couldn't wait for everyone around me to die because then all my sins would be forgotten.  What a strange way for a kid to think.  My mom was probably the keeper of most of my sins and they are not forgotten.  And I keep on sinning.  I wish that God would just make me a puppet and I could only do good in the world instead of fucking things up all the time.  Now I can barely pray and I can't go to church at all.  'Mercy' is one of my favorite words, I dream of it but often doubt it exists, or if it does, I doubt I know it's meaning.  Lord have mercy, Christ have mercy.  What does that mean?  I should never be allowed to spend too much time with myself, I'm a bad influence.  I really, really wish I were drunk right now.  If my son had never been born I'd be dead or a crack head right now.  There are people who love me but I swear to God, I don't know why, it makes not one lick of sense.  Am I the only one who sees how hateful I am?  I have two people living for me and I'm living for my son, we're all decent people so why can't we just live for ourselves?  Why can't we believe that we are worth every breath that we take instead of just taking up space?