A lot of time alone today. Sometimes I long to be alone, but when the time comes that I am alone, my mind flirts with the darkest part of my past. There are times when I am here on the brink that I think finally, I can go through this and healing is on the other side, but I step back again and again. I think each time I step back I am a better person though, so maybe it is healing.
As always, it seems, all roads lead to my mother. She rejected me in my healing too. Maybe I couldn't approach it when she was still alive because I knew I couldn't turn to her. Maybe the rift between us in my adult years was more than just my choice of man, maybe it was piles of rejection of who I am and what I've been though. I know the same kind of thing happened to her and there were so many times that I wanted to reach out to her and tell her that healing is possible, that she didn't have to reject me because she wanted so much to reject her own experience.
My heart could break for my son, my heart could break for a little girl from South Africa that I saw on the news once who was the same age as I was and went through a similar thing but my heart can't break for me. I have pictures of myself from about 6 months or so after it happened. If it were a stranger and I was told what happened to her, my heart would break, but it just doesn't for myself.
I'm going to have a nice relaxing bath now, to take care of myself.
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