Self absorbtion

There is so much happening in my life right now and I feel like I am becoming more and more self absorbed. I think about my gender almost constantly and how I can be myself in this world. My mother is getting sicker and sicker and I hate myself because I'm worried that she let the insurance on her car slide and we use it sometimes. My aunt is in the hospital and work has just become insane. I can't believe how much there is to do, I have new duties and no raise. It is getting harder and harder to make ends meet.

I can focus somewhat on my son and husband but that seems to be the extent that I can reach out. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself. Maybe I'm not behaving any differently, just my internal life is out of whack. I don't really have anyone who I could ask. I'm sure that I seem more frustrated at work (I am) but they know that I have two ill family members so they are forgiving. No one but my husband and one friend who I don't have much contact with know about my gender.

I have this knot in my gut and my jaw, shoulders and neck are just killing me. I don't know how to get myself out of this state. I had a forum that I was a part of but I was attacked there because I'm transgender. I know I can't transition because I'm just not strong enough to deal with that shit on a daily basis. But then how can I be the man that I feel myself to be? I'm not a physcial man, I'm not a social man, so in what way exactly am I a man?

I understand that as a human, I can't keep up this state of stress long term and I'll settle down after awhile, I just hope that it is soon.