My last post made me feel better for about a week or so. I am so filled with anger and fear so much of the time. If the fear partly a fear of my anger? I hate standing for myself. I'm just so afraid that if I let myself go, the anger will never stop. There is just so much behind that wall, I feel like if I let just a little bit out there will be a huge flooding river that will never ever stop.

How can the would let just a couple of people in your life fuck it up so completely. I can point at about 5 people who just fucked me up so much. And now here I am spending half a lifetime trying my ass off to recover. It isn't like there is much in the way of resources for me. Where do I go for help? There isn't anywhere. I'm trying. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do with anger.

Sometimes it feels like everything fills me with anxiety. I ask myself if I want to live the rest of my life this way and the answer is always no, but I don't know how to change. I want to keep a better house, I want to be a better mother, I want to be healthier. Even just thinking about it I get this creepy crawly feeling in the pit of my stomach. I would love to pursue my hobbies, but I just sit at the computer and read a stupid forum or play stupid little games. Not even interesting games, just stupid ones.

Then if I do go and do something that I should be proud of, I just brush it off as not good enough. When will I ever feel good enough. And good enough for what? I'm just a person, I'm not perfect. Some people like me, hell, some people even love me. I'm good enough for them.

I know I'm probably just worried about my upcoming inventory. I'm a material handler and my whole year and a half of work is about to be judged and I already know some problems that there are going to be and I just plain don't have an answer to the questions that are going to be asked. The thing is, I'm pretty good at my job and next year I'll know more and be even better. There is nothing I can do until I get to work tomorrow, so I don't know why I am worrying right now. It is stupid. As you can see, even when I am trying to make myself feel better, I make myself feel worse. Right now I am down on myself for the things at work that are wrong, the fact that I'm not in bed yet and the fact that I'm worrying about all this stuff. And on top of it all, I called myself stupid. Where can I find some peace? I just want a little bit of peace. I had it a couple of weeks ago and now it is gone.