On being a non-offending parent

My son was molested when he was 4 years old by his father. The incidents occurred over a 4 month period and involved oral sex as far as the police, social workers and the doctor could find out.

I left my son's father when my son was one and moved as far away as possible while staying in the same province. At that time I suspected that he was using crack and I was afraid for my own and my son's safety. I went into a shelter and the workers there told me that they could put me in touch with people who could make my son and I essentially disappear. I then made the worst mistake of my life, I decided to trust the system.

My son's father was given supervised and then unsupervised visits. After 2 years of court, the final custody order was in place and the father had one overnight and one day visit a week. Pretty much as soon as the ink was dry on the order the father started to try to alienate my son from me. He would tell him that I was going to leave him like I left his father and things like that. I never bad-mouthed my son's father to him but assured my son that I would always love him and always be there for him.

About a year after the order I started to notice changes in my son, very serious changes. He was becoming violent towards his grandmother and I. He started talking about suicide. He had serious stomach problems to the point that his doctor thought that he was developing an ulcer. A 4 year-old with an ulcer. I called the children's mental health people and wrote them a letter and got no response. Then my son told me that he and his father played secret 'penis games'. I had no idea what to do with that information. I did not try to pump my son for information because I had known a woman who's child had probably been molested but the child's statement had been tainted by the reaction of the mother. I called the parenting help line and they told me that I had nothing to worry about and that I shouldn't call child protective services because I didn't want them in my life. A friend of the family who was a social worker said the same thing.

A while after that, I was giving my son a bath and he told me that his father had him kiss his penis and the first time it tasted bad but then he got used to it. Again I didn't press but I was screaming my head off inside. I asked if there was anything else that he wanted to tell me but he said no. I read the fastest bedtime story ever in the world and called my mother and cried all night long. The next day I called child protective services and set up an intake appointment. It was going to be several days before I could get in and I had to send my son to his fathers for a visit in the interim.

They told me that he was the best witness that they had ever seen because I didn't freak out or press my son for details so he was not bothered by talking to the social worker and police officer. My son's father was charged and free on an undertaking. I felt like my son and I were prisoners. I was afraid to go anywhere because I might see his father. He committed another crime so that he could go into protective custody before he went to prison for molestation (sexual interference was the charge that he pled guilty to). They connected the crimes so that he served his sentences concurrently. He served 5 years for robbing a conveince store and 2 and 1/2 years for robbing my son and I of so much.

It has been 6 years since this happened. God only knows where my son's father is. I found out during the investigation that he was on the child sexual abuse registry in another province. If family court had bothered to look into that, this all could have been avoided. My son is doing well but I am still a wreck. I worry about his future. I still see symptoms of trauma in him at times and it takes a lot of work to try to change his negative thinking.

For the first year after it happened I felt a real disconnect with my son. It was so hard to love someone who had been hurt so badly. Slowy, I started to reconnect and we have a really good relationship now. For me is has been the shame that has been so debilitating and still deeply affects me. I told my son's primary and grade one teacher, but he did some stupid thing one day and the grade one teacher hugely over reacted and treated him like a sexual predator. I decided that I wasn't going to tell any more teachers.

When I hear people at work or whatever talk about children being molested, I just turn my mp3 player up as loud as I can. They have no idea what it means to live with this and I sure hope that they never will, but it isn't like I can stand up and say "You stupid gits, you have absolutely no idea what it is like to go through this!". When I hear people go on about how bad parents are when kids are in trouble I just want to slap them because I know how impossible it is for parents to get help for their children. I mean it is a year waiting list and there are no in-patient facilities for children or youth and only a very limited services are available here. Parents are just out there on their own.

I don't want to tell anyone for two reasons. One is to protect my son's privacy. The other is that I know that there is a certian segment of the population who blame the non-offending parent. The thing is that I can actually understand that reaction. If it wasn't my fault then it could happen to anyone, even their kids. If it wasn't my fault then the system does not work to protect children. If it wasn't my fault then parents cannot protect their children. The problem is that there is a part of me that believes it too and that leads to the guilt and shame that I still feel six years later.