Recovery

I've decided to change the focus of my blog to 'recovery'. I'm also hoping that this new focus will help me keep on top of my blog.

I am in the process of quitting smoking and I find that after about 5 or 6 days I just become so filled with anger and after smoking for a couple of days the anger dissipates. Well, I just finished reading a book on quitting smoking and the whole focus was that smoking doesn't do anything for you but for me it does. I have to do something about it myself or I will just continue to smoke.

Even just naming the feeling of anger helps a little, but not enough. There is so much to be angry and even sad about that has happened and is happening in my life. I'm angry at the people who sexually abused me, I'm angry at the man who sexually abused my child, I'm angry because my mom and my aunt are sick. I'm angry that I'm gender queer in a very straight world. How can I express myself unless I can uncover myself under all these layers of repressed emotion? How can I be free or find peace until I can do that?

I am angry at the people who abused me. They took so much away from me at such a young age. I was abused twice which I sometimes think isn't such a big deal and if it had been just the first time, I don't think that it would have been so bad. I can look back at the time between the first and second incident and see that I had been recovering. I had a family that cared for me and supported me and even without being able to tell anyone I was starting to feel safe again. The first incident happened when I was five and although I have blocked most of the memory it has been corroberated by outside sources. It involved oral sex. I look at sweet little five-year-olds now and it makes me sick what that man did to me. How could anyone be so disgusting as to want gratification from a five year old? I'm feeling sick right now just thinking about it. But it was done to me. That is real. I think that I need to make it feel real before I can move on, because for so long even in my previous attempts at recovery it has felt like some abstract thing, not a real thing. My jaw is clenched just thinking about it, and my stomach is queasy.